Who’s Who in your Conflict Cycle?- Understanding Pursuers and Withdrawers
The concepts of pursuers and withdrawers are often associated with relationship dynamics. These roles can emerge in response to conflicts or stressors within a relationship, and they describe certain behaviors that individuals may adopt as coping mechanisms. There are many iterations of these patterns, behaviors and motivations. Being able to recognize them, understand them and to work together to address them can help create a more secure environment and relationship.
Here's an overview of pursuers and withdrawers in relationship cycles:
PURSUERS:
Behaviors:
Actively seek connection and closeness.
Express emotions openly and directly, (though not always vulnerably)
Pursue/push resolution and want to address issues immediately.
Can be perceived as demanding, clingy or critical.
Motivations:
Desire for emotional closeness and reassurance.
Fear of abandonment or rejection.
Seek validation and responsiveness from their partner.
WITHDRAWERS:
Behaviors:
Tend to withdraw or distance themselves during conflicts.
May avoid expressing emotions openly.
Need space and time alone to process emotions.
Can be perceived as emotionally unavailable, apathetic or dismissive.
Motivations:
Learned need for autonomy and independence as survival strategy.
May fear being overwhelmed or engulfed by emotions or being seen as not enough/not knowing something.
May think that doing nothing is better than Not doing something wrong
How the roles intersect:
Pursuers seek connection as a way to reduce anxiety, while withdrawers seek distance to manage overwhelming emotions.
Pursuers may inadvertently reinforce the withdrawal behavior, and vice versa, leading to a cycle of interaction that perpetuates the dynamic.
These roles can become ingrained communication patterns within a relationship.
It's important for couples to recognize these patterns and work together to create a secure and supportive emotional environment. Seeking couples therapy or counseling can be beneficial in addressing these dynamics and improving communication within the relationship. If that's not available to you, spend a little time with your partner reflecting on these coping strategies and try to identify how your patterns play out. Remember that these are actually the ways that we try to fight for the connection with our partners, even though they often lead to disconnection.